“And now, ladies and gentlemen, before I tell you any more, I'm going to show you the greatest thing your eyes have ever beheld. He was a king and a god in the world he knew, but now he comes to civilization merely a captive - a show to gratify your curiosity. Ladies and gentlemen, look at Kong, the Eighth Wonder of the World.”
- Robert Armstrong as Carl Denham, King Kong (1933)
There is a tradition in Pittsburg called “Dragging the Gut”. ‘The Gut’ refers to Broadway, the town’s main thoroughfare. ‘Dragging’ refers to driving from the Wal-Mart down Broadway to the 1106, which is a drive-in burger joint, and back again. Very American Graffiti-esque. We’ve been dragging a section of The Gut for about a half hour. Jeremy is convinced that The 311 Club is on Seventh Street and he keeps driving up and back on Broadway, just slowing as he stares down 7th, hoping to catch a glimpse of this elusive drinking parlor.
I complain.
- There’s a sports bar right there! Let’s just go there.
- No. The 311 is right near the church. I’m positive it’s on 7th.
- Then turn down seventh!
- It goes the other way.
- Then turn down 8th and circle back.
My brother does not care to be told what to do. Bitching is just gonna make him more obstinate so I stop complaining and just let J do his thing. Three decades of being his brother has taught me enough to know when it’s not worth arguing with him. I’m a bit tempted to leap out of the car the next time he slows crossing 7th so that I can make a run for the sports bar. I just need a damn beer. Don’t really care where it comes from.
He eventually turns down 6th and makes a right onto Joplin St. Another right onto 7th and, sure enough, there’s The 311 Club. He parks in front. I jump out of the car and make a beeline for the bar.
Everybody orders their beers. Except Kari who feels the need to be different and orders some sort of wine cooler/Zima type thing. The total comes to nine dollars and change. I am positive that the bartender has made some sort of error. I mean, Christ, Jon and I both ordered 32 oz. beers for cryin’ out loud. Just one of those bad boys woulda set me back more than nine bucks back in NYC. I give the bartender a healthy tip and we all move to a table.
I have to let my friends back in New York in on this impressive bit of small town charm. I pull out my phone and begin texting.
To: Matt, Yvette
Just paid 9 bucks for 4 drinks. In a BAR! God Bless the Midwest!
Sat, Feb 16, 4:33pm
From: MattI take a look around the bar. The prices are simply ridiculous and I think my dick actually gets a little hard. I snap a pic of one of the drink menus.
Bring me one!
Sat, Feb 16, 4:36pm
To: Matt, Yvette
Bar Prices in KS
Sat, Feb 16, 4:44pm
From: Matt
Good Luck
Sat, Feb 16, 4:47pm
From: YvetteI spot another beer menu and decide that the "Kong" simply looks too insane for me not to order and get some pics of. I can't imagine a 200 oz. glass. I order one and send a pic of the menu to NYC.
That’s ridiculous. So they all for you?
Sat, Feb 16, 4:56pm
To: Matt, Yvette
I’m drinking a Kong
Sat, Feb 16, 4:57pm
From: Yvette
I always knew you had a preoccupation with size. Now me, I’d prefer having a chubby but having it more often. That does say 200 oz right? Ian and I want a pic of the container
Sat, Feb 16, 5:26pm
From: YvetteThey bring over the Kong. Holy Christ on a cracker! They use one of those friggin' ice tea dispensers. They also put a couple of ziplock baggies full of ice inside it to keep it cold. These folks have definitely thought this through. I grab a straw and give my camera phone to J to snap a pic.
they give you to drink 16 beers out of with your head next to it so we can gauge the size
Sat, Feb 16, 5:28pm
To: Yvette
Me and my straw
Sat, Feb 16, 5:34pm
From: YvetteMy friends are obviously so in awe of the Kong that they're reduced to childish comments.
What kind of pussy drinks beer through a straw?
Sat, Feb 16, 5:54pm
To: YvetteI feel good maintaining the moral high ground.
Subject: Bite me
Fuck you, whore
Sat, Feb 16, 5:56pm
From: YvetteI keep looking at the Kong and thinking that consuming him might be difficult on my own. Especially since I already pounded a 32 oz. mug of brew. I pour my brother Jon a glass. Kari comments on the little menu on the table. It says, "Chipd and salsa".
Was just kidding. No need to get all surly redneck on me. Have fun.
Sat, Feb 16, 6:02pm
- I wonder what "chipd" are?
Fuckin' A! Nachos would be the perfect compliment to my meal of Kong. Kari hops up to go order us some.
We’re joined at the bar by my cousins Courtney and Chadd. I pour Court some of the Kong and top Jon off with some more frosty deliciousness. Chadd is Court’s designated driver and doesn’t have anything to drink. Plus he’s like twelve.
Kari comes back to the table.
- How much did you tip her?
- Huh?
- The bartender. How a big a tip did you leave exactly?
- I took care of her. Why? Was she acting surly?
I start to get up to give the bartender a piece of my mind. Greedy bitch.
- Sit down! The nachos are all on the house.
I sit. Jeremy now wants to know about the tip.
- Don’t worry about it. I gave her a nice tip. But, shit. Even with the big tip it was less than I would have paid in NY for all these drinks.
The waitress and the bar owner bring over two trays of nachos and we all dig in. I love these generous people! I see the owner’s ‘Only real men conquer the Kong’ t-shirt and of course I want one. But because God hates me they are currently out of the tees. The owner (George – his shirt says so) toddles off. Sure. Give us free cheap-ass nachos, but keep the awesome shirts for yourself. Cheap bastard.
He returns fairly quickly with 311 Club trucker hats for all of us.
- That’s awesome, man! How much do I owe you for the hats?
- Don’t worry about it. They’re on the house.
I LOVE this man and his generous Midwestern nature.
Ok. Now I start to wonder about my tip. I pull out my money and make sure that I didn’t accidentally give them a hundred thinking it was a ten. No. That wasn’t it. The only thing I can figure is that they use pesos here in
Kong has dealt the first blow against my bladder and I get up to go to the men’s room.
Wow. The ‘men’s room’ is simply a two by three foot closet that is completely filled with a piss trough. I haven’t seen a trough in a bathroom in years. In NYC most bathrooms are unisex single room occupancy jobs. I kinda wonder about the thinking behind putting a trough in this tiny space. Since it only has room for one, wouldn’t it make more sense to put in an actual toilet? It then occurs to me that if you were to try and sit in here you would have to keep the door open. Can’t imagine the rest of the bar wants to watch anyone sit and make Bud mud.
This definitely calls for sharing with the guys up north.
To: Matt, Yvette
Subject: No sitdown toilets
Yes it’s just a trough.
Sat, Feb 16, 6:20pm
From: Matt
Shit, you can put a baby in there.
Sat, Feb 16, 6:21pm
Matt has a weird take on the world. But give him credit. I have no doubt one could put a baby in there. Very astute thinker Matt.
From: Matt
Sit down anyway, I’ll give you five bucks
Sat, Feb 16, 6:22pm
A challenge! Of course I am up for it! Now – how to take a picture of me crapping in the urinal?
Cousin Chadd, because he is awesome, volunteers for camera duty.
- I’m in the Army. I have to shower with 50 guys at a time. This is far from the worst thing I’ve ever seen.
He’s a fine young man and I shed a tear of pride.
To: Matt, Yvette
Subject: When life hands you lemons
Make mud pies
Sat, Feb 16, 6:40pm
I guess one can sit down in there. I walk back over and join our group and resume my assault on Kong.
To: Matt
You owe me 5 bucks
Sat, Feb 16, 6:42pm
To: Matt, Yvette
By the way – this bar is called The 311 Club. That’s right – the police code for Indecent Exposure
Sat, Feb 16, 6:47pm
From: Yvette
So you’re telling me it’s really like a requirement for you to take part. And you really need to stop qualifying your statements with me. I’m not drunk.
Sat, Feb 16, 6:54pm
Maybe the beer is starting to cloud my thinking a little. I communicate to Yvette my misunderstanding of her message.
To: Yvette
Huh? Shut up.
Sat, Feb 16, 6:55pm
From: Yvette
You keep texting ME! You shut up. I so wish I was drinking right now. I have a six top full of screaming monsters.
Sat, Feb 16, 6:57pm
Y’know, Yvette isn’t an unattractive lass. I feel maybe I should let her know my progress and tell her I think she’s pretty.
To: Yvette
I’m almost done with the 200 ozs. I wanna pudayeen you.
Sat, Feb 16, 7:01pm
She doesn’t respond. Some people just don’t know how to take a compliment.
To: Matt, Yvette
Subject: Killing Kong
Finito
Sat, Feb 16, 7:18pm
From: YvetteIan is a dishonorable cad.
Well I expected no less but Ian thinks you spilled it.
Sat, Feb 16, 7:33pm
From: Yvette
My God. I had no idea you were so driven. Try to stay awake through dinner and I’ll talk to you later.
Sat, Feb 16, 7:40pm
I'm sure everyone was tired of waiting for the other shoe to drop on the P'burg chronicles. I know I was interested after chapter one.
ReplyDeleteI still have my trucker hat and my sister borrowed it while she was visiting in Houston. As we walked through the mall, some random guy, obviously a big fan of Lynyrd Skynyrd, shouted "Hell ya, Pittsburg! Didn't know they made hot ladies back in ole Kansas!" After that declaration, he wandered off into a nail salon. It was odd both in his shout-out and the location where this long-haired, heavily-bearded, multi-tatted chap departed.
ReplyDeleteI talked to Courtney somehwat recently. She was unable to get us some T-shirts from 3-11 like ol' George had on.
ReplyDeleteNo description of those rank nachos. Somewhat stale chips, with cheddar cheese and a jar of Pace salsa poured over the top. I should have just stuck with the beers.
Yes, I tried to get shirts but was unsuccessful. Maybe next time I'm down there...
ReplyDeleteMost impressed with your inebriated attempt to spell out "pudayeen"
ReplyDeleteThis comment has been removed by the author.
ReplyDeleteVery entertaining, and mostly historically accurate. Th nachos were just about the shittiest nachos I've ever had. I have at times wondered whether or not they were nachos at all...
ReplyDelete