Last Night in Pittsburg, KS || Part I

"Because what does it mean, to say things aren't going well? Compared to what? You can say: compared to how things were going a couple of hours ago, or a couple of years ago. But that's not the point. If two cars are speeding towards a brick wall with no brakes, and one car hits the wall moments before the other, you can't spend those moments saying that the second car is much better off than the first."
- Hugh Laurie, The Gun Seller

Grievous Harm

I sit on the edge of the hotel bed and stare silently at my brother Jonathan. Having brothers is nice. We’ve had interesting discussions, arguments and even knock-down-drag-out fist fights. But another underappreciated aspect of brotherhood is being able to sit a comfortable silence with one another. Not feeling any dire need to clunk up the air with meaningless conversation to merely fill the silence. Undoubtedly I have collectively spent entire years of my life sitting in a room with one or another of my brothers silently pondering life’s secrets.

Take now, for instance. Jon may very well being considering the socio-political impact of the state of affairs vis-à-vis the current conflict in Iraq. He may be pontificating on the child currently growing in his wife’s womb. Or even that age old question Why? But I doubt it. He is probably thinking the same thing I am at this moment: I wonder what the Pittsburg, KS penal code is regarding the assault with intent to do grievous harm to a hotel toilet?

Jeremy is in the crapper committing the aforementioned assault. Apparently he has a lot of anger issues to resolve and he has decided to take them out on the innocent waste receptacle. Or maybe he just bears a singularly strong grudge against the American Standard company. Actually, he and I share a condition called Crohn’s Disease and it can cause some pretty major gastro-intestinal difficulties. J is obviously working through some of his difficulties right now. I know what he is going through, but getting an audio performance of it is still a rather disagreeable experience. Hell, I don’t like listening to it when I’m the perpetrator.

At least the scent hasn’t seeped out from beneath the door yet. So our olfactory senses have been spared that.

Damn.

Spoke too soon.

Jeremy’s fiancée Kari enters the hotel room and walks straight through the noxious stank emanating from the lavatory. She is unfazed and begins to select a change of clothes. We have all just finished attending my grandmother’s funeral. J had taken me to my great uncle Leo’s house, where I am staying, and I had already changed out of my monkey suit.

J steps out of the bathroom looking less than satisfied. Kari takes her clothes and begins to head in the direction of the carnage.

Jon looks horrified.

- You’re not going in there?

- We live together. I’ve definitely smelled worse than that. Once, I was in the shower and he felt he absolutely couldn’t wait any longer. So he barged in. I passed out.

My turn to look horrified.

- You really lost consciousness?

- She sure did.

Jeremy says this with far too much satisfaction for my liking. He really ought to consider making a few dietary adjustments.

Kari braves the bathroom while J lies down on the bed and turns on the TV. He flips through a couple dozen channels of crap. I don’t want to watch television. I am feeling restless. The stress of the funeral is boiling beneath my skin and I wanna go out and blow off some steam. We have a couple hours until the family is supposed to meet up at Barto’s for dinner.

I get up to go outside and have a cigarette. Plus, I had noticed a crappy looking bar tucked into the woods behind the hotel. I figure I’ll go have a beer or two until we can figure out what the hell we all want to do to kill some time.

The Cottage Inn is the name of the bar. And it is closed. God forbid anyone staying at the hotel wants to get blotto on a Saturday afternoon. Small towns are strange.

I head back into the hotel to grab those guys and find a place to drink.

Coming next: Part II, Killing Kong…